Shade of the Week: Vanderpump Rules Baby Boom

Just when you thought 2020 couldn't get any worse, Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright announced they are expecting their first child in April next year. Ugh. Brittany is the latest Vanderpump star to get Vanderpregnant after both Stassi Schroeder and Lala Kent announced the news of their pregnancies earlier this year.

Vanderpump Rules is currently on the bubble after a disastrous eighth season and a slew of racist fuelled firings, so we can only pray that Bravo puts this show to bed because the thought of watching a storyline centered around Jax and Brittany becoming parents sounds just as entertaining as watching Katie Maloney knit.

Katie will probably be the next one to have a bun in the oven, but that would mean she'd actually have to have sex with her husband and we all know their sex life is more barren than a drained pool in the summer.

Now is the perfect time for this show to officially go down the tubes of reality television. Eight years is a good run on TV, no matter what the genre, and nobody wants to watch these garbage people changing diapers or giving birth. Bravo needs to retire the entire show and maybe give the Toms a TomTom spinoff, so we can occasionally see a few of the cast members make a cameo.

Congratulations to all the expecting couples but I don't even like watching pregnancy storylines on the Housewives, let alone a show that is built on alcoholism, stale cum, and incestuous bed-hopping.

Has watching Teddi Mellencamp pregnant for the last six months not taught us anything? Imagine that storyline but with three self-absorbed, bratty individuals bonding over stretch marks, Lamaze classes, and toilet training. If that's the show you want to watch, then I'd recommended Teen Mom. All of these pregnancies are troublesome in their own ways, so let's go down the list:

Stassi & Beau

First of all, we can all relax because this is one couple we won't have to suffer through watching after Stassi was fired for her racist behavior. In case you forgot, Stassi announced her pregnancy only days after being fired from the show which just felt like a PR move to garner positive press in a time where the entire world hated her. They could've waited a few weeks or even months to announce the news publically, but of course, Stassi and Beau couldn't wait to flaunt their good news in a time where the entire country was engulfed in a race war.

Stassi Schroeder is the human embodiment of white privilege. She's a spoiled self-proclaimed princess with a severe victim complex who has had everything handed to her and hired a "diversity coach" in order to teach her about racism. How can you grow up in New Orleans and live in West Hollywood for a decade and need someone to walk you through how not to be an ignorant asshole? Yes, she's finally trying to learn and better herself, which would be a good thing if it were for the right reasons.

As soon as Stassi was fired from the show, both she and Kristen hired a PR crisis manager. Everything we've seen about Stassi in the press during the last few months has been strategically placed by her publicist in order to redeem her public image and rebuild her career. If the only thing Stassi did was call the people on Faith for a crime she didn't commit, then maybe Bravo would've let it slide, but her podcast was basically a cesspit of insensitive, ignorant comments that she constantly had to apologise for. Enough is enough.

Her "comeback" interview with Tamron Hall was one of the most cringeworthy things I've ever seen and I've watched Paris Hilton's sex tape in it's entirety. Stassi and her PR team thought an apology interview with a black host and some rehearsed answers would be enough to get her career back on track, but they obviously didn't account for the fact that Tamron would hold her accountable. We've seen Stassi play the victim and apologize over and over and over again, but Tamron didn't believe a word she said. And nor should she because everything the ranch obsessed reality star said was just a scripted answer designed to make the world forgive her.

The world gave Stassi more than enough chances and she blew it. If she was really sincere and learned her lesson, then why did she need to go on a public platform to discuss it? Stassi's persona as a privileged victim is played out, and we don't need her on television anymore. She can go off, have her baby, and live in her million-dollar mansion but she fucked up her career on television and should really just find another job at this point.

Lala & Randall

This is probably the only couple I would be willing to watch become parents. They seem to have the healthiest relationship on the show but that’s probably because we haven’t seen a whole lot of it. However, knowing that Lala has already had practice being a stepmom to Rand's older children makes me comfortable that she'll be amazing at raising her own. When we met Lala, she was a wannabe gangster from Utah with an infinity for the black vernacular, through her journey she sucked dick to land herself a chubby producer in Hollywood and has been living the high life ever since.

Although she's rich and dresses like JLo from the early 2000s, there's something weirdly normal about Lala, and seeing her raise a family on screen wouldn't be that bad in my opinion. She has a soft maternal side but can also act like a total cunt, which makes her a perfect reality star. Lala also hasn't said or done anything extremely racist either and she was the first one to genuinely reach out to Faith when the scandal broke back in May, so if we were sifting through potential people to come back for season nine, Lala would definitely be at the top of my list.

Lala is basically a Real Housewife of Beverly Hills who just happens to star on its seedy spinoff. I'm not saying I want to see her pregnant on my TV but she would definitely be the most palatable choice out of the three, she'd also be the only one to constantly deck her infant out in designer clothes and actually be able to afford it.

Jax & Brittany

The fact that Stassi and Kristen were both fired from the show but Jax Taylor is still employed blows my fucking mind. It doesn't make any sense considering he also accused Faith of the crime she didn't commit, combined with his long history of racist and homophobic comments both on the show and on social media, but hey, why would Bravo bother releasing a statement about firing Jax if the whole show may not return. If it does, however, I don't think there's any way they could let him come back. The fans would revolt.

Jax Taylor continuing to be a horrible human being isn't news to anyone. He's a raging narcissist with an obvious coke problem who uses the excuse of being a "work in progress" every time he goes on his annual end of summer coke bender. If they don't fire Jax for being racist or homophobic, they should fire him for being a 40-year-old bartender who is more played out than a rusty piano. Ever since his dad died, Jax's mission in life has been to recreate his childhood by having his own children in order to feel closer to his dad. If Jax wants to impregnate his Kentucky muffin he can go right ahead, but this really is not something we need to see.

If you thought their wedding was bad enough, just imagine an entire season of Jax and Brittany having a baby? We'd have to sit through them having a gender reveal, going to Lamaze classes, baby-proofing their house, giving birth on camera, and the worst part of all, using their impending baby as an excuse for all their shitty behavior. As much as Jax sucks, Brittany isn't totally innocent in this. Little Miss Kentucky has a severe case of Stockholm syndrome and for some reason thinks she can be in a loving relationship with the narcissist because she's accustomed to their cushy lifestyle in Valley Village and addicted to the thrills of reality television.

Brittany loves being famous and I'm sure she was a string of baby-themed sponsorship deals lined up so she can exploit their unborn baby all the way to the bank. In all seriousness, I am happy for Brittany, even if the father of her child is Jax Taylor, she's obviously wanted a family since she was a little girl and now she's finally going to have one.

That being said, we definitely don't deserve to have Jax and Brittany's baby storyline shoved down our throat for a six month period. We've already suffered enough. The thought of Jax being responsible for another human being's life makes me feel wildly uncomfortable, but I guess when he gets bored of changing diapers after the first week the kid will be Brittany's responsibility for the next 18 years while he bangs every MILF on the PTA.

The Vanderpump Rules baby boom of 2020 is officially upon us and as of right now we have no idea if we'll see any of these pregnancies play out on the show, or even if the show as a whole will return again. If you ask me, everything happens for a reason and maybe Stassi and Kristen got fired and all these pregnancies happened so that Vanderpump Rules could officially come to a close. That being said, a TomTom spinoff isn't looking too bad!