The Kardashians Premiere Recap: Sex Tape 2.0

After 20 seasons on E! the Kardashians decided to throw in the towel and run over to Hulu for an enormous paycheck, larger audience and an elevated format. Although their new show has flashy drone footage and sexy slow-mo entrances it's clear that some things never change. Kim is still the HBIC of the family, Scott is still crying over Kourtney and of course, they're still eating salads. The Kardashians feels like a refresh and while it's not the most dramatic show on television, it's a nice, light way to spend an hour catching up with the gals.

Kim and Kanye are still going through their divorce but it's obvious this was filmed long before Ye dedicated his life to cyberbullying his ex-wife and her new donkey-dicked boyfriend. During a "family BBQ" where the BBL obsessed family pretended to eat nuggets and french fries, Kim's son stumbled upon clickbait which claimed to have "unreleased footage" of her iconic sex tape. The first episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians infamously revolved around Kim's sex tape and now 15 years later their new reality show's premiere kicked off the same way. That is what we call a full circle moment.

First of all, before we get into any of this, what the fuck is Roblox? Saint was playing "Roblox" when he saw the clickbait and because I'm not a gamer or a six-year-old this word has never entered my vocabulary. I don't understand what a 20-year-old sex tape has to do with a children's video game but let's just be grateful it managed to kick off this season with a bang. Thank God (AKA Kris Jenner) that Saint can't read because that conversation would've been more awkward than watching Rob interact with others. Knowing that one day you'll have to tell your children about your sex tape would be a horrible feeling, but at this point it's a small price Kim has to pay for the amazing life she has.

Of course the sex tape isn't the only reason for the Kardashian family's fame but it gave them enough notoriety and attention to launch them into the pop culture zeitgeist. So many people have been given the same platform as them but they're the only ones who have been able to turn a salacious sex tape into a billion dollar family business which is a talent of its own. These days the only social currency that matters is clout and the Kardashians are the OGs of cultivating clout just for being themselves. Honestly, between OnlyFans and Instagram THOTs I doubt Kim's kids will even care about her sex tape by the time she explains it to them especially since their dad says crazier shit on a daily basis. When your father has told the world one of your siblings was supposed to be an abortion the fact that your mother had a viral video of her getting ploughed pales in comparison.

While Kim screamed at lawyers over the phone to shut down unreleased footage of her sex tape getting out, Kourtney spent her time attached to her boyfriend's pelvis. Is it cringeworthy and gag inducing that Kourtney and Travis can't go three seconds without tasting each other's saliva? Absolutely. But at least she's finally happy after all the bullshit Scott put her through. We've known Kourtney for 15 years and this is the first time we've ever seen her genuinely happy in her own skin. Travis may look like Voldemort if he joined the Hells Angels but if he's making Kourt smile like the Joker and squirt like a broken firehose then that's all that matters.

It's clear Kourtney is living her best life with Travis as 2022's answer to Pam and Tommy, however, her baby daddy Scott isn't ecstatic with the idea. Obviously Scott's still in love with Kourtney but she's finally moved on with her life and he needs to do the same, and by moving on and I don't mean dating girls that can't legally drink yet. From Scott's point of view he's sad about being excluded from family events and considering the Kardashians are the only family he has left, he should be invited, especially ones filmed for TV. Will seeing Kravis play tonsil hockey probably make him want to jump off a bridge? Probably, but he needs to rip off the bandaid and after about three make out sessions their PDA will become background noise, just like a Tristan cheating scandal.

Speaking of the family's resident cheating scumbag, Tristan is somehow still around after cheating on Khloe with every Bootleg Kardashian that looks his way. Tristan has cheated on Khloe more times than Kendall has claimed to have anxiety to get out of work. Khloe used to be a boss ass bitch but after taking Tristan back every time he stuck his dick in someone that's wasn't her she's morphed into a sad, empty version of the strong queen she once was. Don't get me wrong Khloe is still feisty as fuck and has an ass that won't quit but everything Tristan's done has slowly eroded all the confidence, self esteem and self love she's built up through the years. Let's all hope she gets it back someday because the fact that this was all filmed BEFORE his latest baby mama came out of the woodwork makes everything even sadder.

Although the girls are back with an enhanced new show, nothings really changed. Kim's still the star of the family getting caught in sex tape scandals. Khloe's still slowly dying everyday while her baby daddy continues to fuck every hoe across the country. Rob's still nowhere to be found. Scott's still depressed Kourtney won't settle for him. Kendall's still annoying. Kylie's still doing whatever it is pregnant 24-year-old billionaires do. And Kris is still being the boss bitch hustler she's always been. After being at the nucleus of pop culture for almost two decades, we've got to accept the fact that this family is NEVER going anywhere. At this point we're going to be keeping up with these bitches at 90, so we may as well sit back and let them mindlessly entertain us for an hour every week.

The Kardashians streams every Wednesday on Hulu, Disney+ internationally and Star+ in Latin America. Stay tuned at Good Tea for all our juicy recaps on the first family of pop culture.